How to Build a Supportive Relationship Network

In February of this year, I was invited by the flagship project SheShapes of the Global Shapers Beijing Hub to participate in the first session of the SHERO lecture series, where I discussed the topic of "Building a Supportive Network" with other guests. This article compiles perspectives on the following questions based on the lecture content:

Second, when we talk about support systems, we often think of a group of people who unconditionally support us, but I don’t believe such people exist. This isn’t to say we aren’t worthy—of course, there are people around us who do support us. However, in reality, no one has an obligation to support you unconditionally, so it’s important not to have that expectation.

Perhaps there is only one kind of unconditional love in the world—the love a child has for you when they are young. Because a child's emotions are incredibly pure, and they have nowhere else to turn for such unwavering support.

Looking at it from the opposite perspective, our love for our children comes with many conditions, such as expecting them to perform well academically or to be obedient. This, in essence, is conditional love.

When we let go of such expectations of perfection, it becomes easier to build our own support system. At that point, we will look at what we have available and make use of it.

For example, if I need to send my child to a soccer game but something comes up last minute, I might ask people on the team whom I don’t know at all—people who don’t know me and have no obligation to support me unconditionally. Yet, many of them will say yes.

So, I believe a more important skill is being able to build such a network even among people you don’t know—people who have no obligation to love or support you.

The sooner you develop this mindset, the better—that is, don't set too many conditions for your life, such as having A before you can have B, because you'll find that your possibilities become much more limited. I believe one of the most important aspects of personal growth is actually letting go of the conditions you've preset for yourself.

Secondly, I believe the term "support network" is neutral. For example, if a light at home breaks and you hire an electrician to fix it, then you pay them—this person actually has no personal relationship with you, but they are still part of your support network.

When you think this way, you'll find that the starting point of your thoughts shifts. You begin to consider, "What does my life need?" and "What does my career development require?" This mindset encourages you to ask boldly, turning others into part of your support network.

Again, let go of yourself. In this era, everyone is quite obsessed with the so-called pursuit of self-discovery and self-awareness.

In Michael Singer's book "The Surrender Experiment," he says that the most important lesson for a person is to remove yourself, which means to let go of yourself.

The "self" is sometimes like a fence—only those who can pass through it can enter your world. At times, it may seem like protection, but how can you be sure it isn't the fence itself that's the problem?

Since you cannot control who appears in your life, and our judgments of good and bad are actually quite limited, shifting your perspective might flip what seems good or bad.

What we can do is to set aside our preconceptions and turn everything in our life that is related to us into our support, which will broaden our path a little more.

Host: How can one train and cultivate oneself to acquire such abilities?

Second, regarding how we perceive this matter, it is actually difficult to answer in words. I believe that practices such as meditation and yoga can be helpful. These are methods that allow us to transition from a state of mind to a state of heart. Meditation, in particular, helps shift our overall energy center from the cerebral cortex or the realm of thoughts down into the heart.

Of course, this "heart" is not the scientific or physiological heart.

When we delve deeper into our state of being, you'll find that many thoughts begin to fade away. Much of our questioning and self-doubt actually resides at the level of thoughts. And the world of thoughts is incredibly, incredibly noisy.

Third, "sensitivity" is actually a good thing, but in our culture, we often need to suppress our perceptions and feelings. The consequence of this suppression is that when you have a feeling, you can't be sure whether it's an illusion or real.

Only by returning to our inner selves do we discover that many of our judgments about others are actually based on our own assumptions.

Once you can see this point, you can then think about why these assumptions exist? Perhaps it's because I am a very critical person. So why am I critical? Possibly because I grew up being constantly judged.

If all of these are removed, perhaps what this person said has absolutely no relation to what you are thinking of doing now.

Therefore, at a deeper level, we have the possibility to connect with something more authentic, rather than with our many thoughts.

The past three years of the pandemic have had a profound impact on the way many people work.

I think that broadly speaking, the workplace is everything you do outside of your personal life.

From this perspective, how can one obtain supportive relationships? This is a very broad question, and I think it’s difficult to fully explain in just a few minutes. So, I’ll share a few suggestions that are applicable in any situation.

First, when we first enter the workplace, we often wait for others to assign tasks, especially women, who are more likely to do so.

We always hope for some external recognition to boost our confidence, or rather, our self-worth is often judged through so-called third-party validation.

Everyone, in the initial stages of a new environment, goes through a phase of seeking validation. However, once you have gained recognition, you should no longer seek continuous validation.

Actually, I think we need to be more proactive. You just have to say, "I want to do this, I'll take it on." Then, you'll start thinking about how to do it and who to seek support from. Once you give yourself a chance to make such a shift, you begin to change, and this is actually at the core of building leadership.

As I mentioned at the beginning, we need to turn everyone into supporters. Since this is something I want to do, it’s natural to focus on how to do it, rather than seeking validation or approval from others. At this point, others’ judgments and evaluations become less important.

Host: When I have a need and want to discuss it with my professor, I'm not sure how prepared I should be before speaking up. Should I be fully prepared, or is it okay to approach them even when the idea is just starting to form?

Sheryl Sandberg said in "Lean In": "Women tend to feel they need to be fully prepared before asking for something, while men often ask even when they're not prepared, and in the end, it doesn't make much difference." So, I think you can go ahead and ask.

Here's another tip: You can honestly express your uncertainty by simply saying, "This is my first time doing this, and I've made these preparations, but I'm not entirely sure if they're sufficient." If they suggest you should do more groundwork, you can also accept it graciously.

Actually, saying these things out loud is like voicing your deepest fears, and after that, you'll realize it's not such a big deal.

If we talk about exchange, as a young person, you indeed don't have much to offer—perhaps only serving tea, delivering water, or helping with childcare. But in reality, at least 80% of those willing to help you in the workplace simply want to see that you've listened to what they said and taken action. That alone would make them feel genuinely pleased.

All you need to do after that is tell him, "I did exactly as you said." That's enough. If you can achieve this, you've already surpassed 90% of people. Moreover, this will establish a positive relationship, and the next time you reach out to him, he'll still be willing to talk to you.

Actually, telling him about your progress and giving him positive feedback is the best way to repay those who have helped you. Young people should have more confidence and believe more in their own value.

From another perspective, you don't need to have any concerns about this matter. Your progress itself is the greatest asset, both for you and for everyone.

If a person is genuinely good, then in many relationships, there is no need for such standards.

For example, during all these years I've lived in Beijing, the person who has supported me the most is our family's nanny. By traditional labels, she is just a rural woman from Northeast China, but she is incredibly smart and capable. I've seen so many admirable qualities in her.

Therefore, it is very important to be able to see through these superficial aspects and truly understand a person, but this is difficult for many people.

I have an analogy: when we are too close to something, it's like being a point fixed on a spinning top, constantly rotating along with it. But if you take that point out, even if it's just 2 centimeters away from the top, you'll realize it's nothing more than a spinning top—just a small wooden thing, nothing extraordinary.

The meditation master I often mention — Thich Nhat Hanh — people from all over the world go to ask him questions, and no matter what the question is, his answer is always the same: breath, breathing. In essence, it comes down to being able to create such a psychological distance. Within this sense of distance lies great wisdom.

We talk about "attachment to self," which means you are stuck on it, you are right on the spinning top.

This "attachment" is the starting point of all our suffering; if we let go of this "attachment," it simply ceases to exist.

Therefore, whether doing this physically or psychologically, it can actually be beneficial for us.

First, let's start with the micro level. For an individual, what truly matters in life is actually the micro environment you are in, not the macro environment.

That is to say, no matter whether you go to Singapore, Denmark, or any other country, what truly matters more is how your landlord, neighbors, or boss at work treat you.

When I need help and introduce myself, I don't necessarily have to say I'm from China. Instead, I can say, "I'm a full-time mom, and I need help right now." After all, people don't really care where you're from. So, at this level, just treat them as a person.

Changing your mindset doesn't cost a thing. Once you become aware of it and take action, you'll often find that things turn out quite differently from what you imagined.

Secondly, on a deeper level, there are significant differences among various cultures. So-called developed countries in the West or Japan are, in essence, open societies—highly self-governing societies.

High autonomy means that a large number of decisions are actually made by everyone themselves; whereas in our case, most communication flows from the bottom up, which is a very significant difference.

So from this perspective, the gap is very significant.

If you're interested in the United States, I recommend Teacher Zi Zhongyun's book *America in the 20th Century*, which covers the United States from 1900 to 2000. She also has another book called *Understanding the World, Understanding Ourselves*. These books can help many people grasp the true nature of the world, and reflecting on our own culture through them is also highly beneficial.

Of course, when we enter an unfamiliar environment, we often want to stand out more than those around us and be different from before. This is called "making a statement."

Everyone goes through this phase, and I don't think it's shameful. But what we need to do is, in the process of "posing," understand our self-perception. First, get the appearance right, and then use that appearance to recognize the essence. This is a natural process of self-awareness, and I think it's perfectly normal.

My mother is 72 years old, and every year she loses friends, which is, of course, very sad. But looking back, this is the destination we all share.

The earlier we realize that our true support system comes only from within ourselves, the more harmonious we become in our interactions with the external world. These two aspects are not contradictory.

It's just a major issue in our thinking—we often have this binary, "black or white" mindset.

"Inward" and "outward" are actually one and the same. If issues arise in our intimate relationships, with our children, or even with colleagues, ultimately, they are merely outward manifestations of the inner problems within your own heart.

The sooner you realize this, the better. You will find it to be liberating. Because you will discover that good relationships don’t depend on changing your partner, parents, or environment—but rather on changing your perspective.

Similarly, the root of workplace issues often lies outside the workplace. Many of the problems we face at work, such as a lack of confidence, are actually related to how we interact with ourselves and how we perceive ourselves.

It's just that in the workplace, it manifests as how we interact with superiors or colleagues, which seems like a workplace issue, but at its core, it lies in our own perspective of ourselves and how we view the world.

The full conversation is available on my YouTube channel.